Making Amends

Earlier today, I was flipping again through Masuda Sayo’s dark autobiography, Autobiography of a Geisha, when I found this powerful anecdote. After Miss Masuda had left the geisha world, and just after the war, she took some odd jobs gathering vegetables. One night, she missed the train home, and had to stay at a hotel with another gatherer, Yasu-san, in the same room. After a lifetime of being violated by men, she was afraid he would try to make a move, but instead Yasu-san told her the following anecdote:

A long time ago, I [Yasu-san] was a gangster, and I thought I was really big stuff. “Yasu the drinker” they called me. In 1939 I was called up,¹ and being rather wild to start with, I did some horrible things in China. I raped Chinese women. I knew if it got out that I’d raped them, I’d be punished. So I killed them. In 1942 I became a squad leader. I had a guy under me who was utterly loyal to me. If I did something wrong, he’d feel the pain. Our position was bombed, and while we were pulling back to new positions, we went for more than twenty days without food. We turned into wild animals; but this guy, he would dig up tree roots and give them to me to eat. Everyone was frantic, searching for something for himself to eat; and I was completely shameless and ate whatever he gave me without a second thought. Before we made it into the next position, the enemy hit us again. This man of mine lay on top of me and protected me with his own body; it’s thanks to him that I’m alive. But I lost my hearing and my tongue froze up: I still had my voice but I couldn’t make any words. And all the flesh on my right hand was useless, so they discharged me. I cried. The guy who gave up his life for me was still in my thoughts, and I wanted to go back to the battlefield and fight. I hadn’t kept a single thing to remember him by: that’s the kind of guy I’d been. I couldn’t even spare the energy to blame myself for it. I was a wretched specimen, just clinging to my own life. I’m trying to make amends for that now. I’ve given up drinking and women. (pg. 115-116)

Miss Masuda then writes:

As he finished, he showed me his hand, its fingers curled up like a bear’s claw. Then he turned his back to me and fell fast asleep. I was ashamed I’d felt even the slightest bit wary of him.

Sometimes, when I read Pure Land Buddhist literature about people being wretched and filled with blind passions (bonbu 凡夫), I feel indignant and annoyed, but then when I read books like this, it reminds me of what people are capable of doing under difficult conditions. More importantly, this story serves as a reminder that change is possible even in the worst of people, if they are shown compassion. I think this is the nature of Amida Buddha’s Vow.

Namu Amida Butsu

¹ Contrary to what most people believe, WWII began in Asia years earlier, when Japan initiated a full-scale invasion of China in 1937 from its territory in Manchuria. This is the catastrophic Second Sino-Japanese War.