Backsliding

Backsliding in the Buddhist path is something I feel all too familiar with. Oftentimes I can be my own harshest critics, and as a result frequently get flustered, pessimistic and want to quit Buddhism. Maybe you’ve had these feelings too.

In the recent book on Yogacara Buddhism I’ve been reading, Rev. Tagawa quotes from a famous Hosso monk named Jōkei (貞慶)¹ who is among the most revered scholars of Hosso Buddhism. Like me, he took a dim view of his own efforts:

If I desire to enter the vast and great entrance to the mind, my nature is not equal to the task.
If I want to practice just a little bit of cultivation, my mind is difficult to rely on. (trans. A.C. Muller)

Boy, I know this feeling all too well. Later Rev. Tagawa described three kinds of backsliding in the Buddhist path:

1. Feeling one’s own capacity is too insignificant to grasp the depth and vastness of Buddhism. (i.e. feeling you are not capable of such wisdom)
2. Feeling the practices within Buddhism are too difficult and abandoning the path.
3. Feeling that the realization of a Buddha is too difficult to attain, and thus giving way to pessimism.

Of these three, I think #2 is by far the most fitting for me. I tend to balk even at simple practices like reciting the nembutsu nightly, or even meditating in a consistent way.

Rev. Tagawa says immediately after this:

Although one may take strong first steps with a firm abiding in the arousal of the intention for enlightenment, the person aiming for bodhisattvahood may easily feel overwhelmed, and develop a pessimistic attitude concerning one’s own nature and capacity. Despite our initial intentions, it is not easy to remain immovably focused on the bodhisattva ideal. (pg. 129)

I really appreciate Rev. Tagawa’s candor on this. Maybe he’s struggled with the same things, despite being abbot of Kofukuji Temple, and being in a position of authority. Anyways, he then encourages people to take to heart this saying in Hosso/Yogacara Buddhism: Polishing their minds, the courageous do not waver.

Thus, Buddhism is very much a gradual polishing of the mind. Suzuki Roshi once said something similar to the same effect. Reading further, I found another excerpt from Jōkei’s writings to be particularly inspiring:

By none other than my foolishness,
I know my possession of the Great Vehicle nature. (pg. 112)

Based on what Rev. Tagawa writes, and my reading of this phrase, I see this as meaning that because he is capable of seeing his own faults, he has taken a big step along the Buddha Path. Rev. Tagawa states that this was written at the time when Jōkei let go of his feelings of depression and pessimism toward his own lack of Buddha-nature.²

If you think about all the people and living beings who are not aware of their own state of being, who live life never having examined themselves, then what Jōkei says is really powerful and inspiring.

Namu Amida Butsu

P.S. Jōkei’s statement also reminds me of something Saichi wrote from his own personal experience.

¹ I wrote the Wikipedia article just before writing this. Prominent gaps in Wikipedia’s articles on Buddhism tend to annoy me enough to write something, even if it’s total garbage.

² This reminds me of another older post I wrote on awakened conscious.