Me, unfiltered

Yesterday, I had a rather uncomfortable experience with myself, that I think underlies some important teachings in Buddhism. Since arriving in Japan earlier this week, the wife, daughter and I have been pretty jet-lagged, and our sleep schedule has been problematic especially for the little one who is also not used to sleeping in a different bed. So, last night, she woke up in the middle of the night screaming and refusing to be held or soothed. This was pretty frustrating, as I had just fallen asleep, and was jolted awake.

As I tried to figure out why she was upset, I kept asking her what was wrong, and my wife said to be quiet, presumably as it was only making her more upset. As I was tired, and frustrated, without thinking I shot back in Japanese “omae mo urusai!” which is roughly analogous to “you shut the hell up” in English. The pronoun omae is pretty abrasive.

People who know me generally comment that I don’t get upset easily. Usually I can let something go, laugh it off, or try to apply some Buddhist wisdom to see the situation in a different light. If I am really tired, then I can get grumpy, but even then it’s pretty rare to totally lose my temper like this, but in this situation, when I was tired and jolted awake, the rational, spiritual, social filters were off, and it was pure selfish ego at work without anything to keep it in check. I felt horrible about it, and had trouble sleeping.

Amusingly, the next day, I talked to my wife and apologized and she seemed confused. I realized that she sometimes talks in her sleep, and that was when I got mad at her, not realizing that it was just sleep-talking. We laughed it off, so there is a happy ending, but the fact that even after all the years of Buddhist practice and study that I could lose my temper so easily under the right circumstance really disturbs me and compelled me to reflect and write about it.

Seeing how the depths of my mind are still rooted in pure, selfish behavior reminded me of the Hossō/Yogacara school of Buddhism and their teachings with regard to the structure of the mind, especially a certain quote I had mentioned before in a previous post (ironically about anger). This comes from a 13th century Hossō scholar-monk named Ryōhen (1194 – 1252) and his famous Two-Volume Hossō Extracts:

Always functioning to pollute in the bottom of the minds of ordinary people, even when the prior six minds are pure, I never fail to attach to the distinction between my self and things. The depths of the mind are always being defiled; they come to this state dependent on the manas. (trans. A.C. Muller)

Here, in keeping with the basic Yogacara teachings, the mind can be divided into the conscious and sub-conscious mind, with further sub-divisions:
The Conscious Mind:

  • The Six Sense Realms: sight, sound, touch, taste, smell and conscious-thought.

The Subconscious Mind:

  • The Manas, the sense of self.
  • The Store-conscious, the passive storage of all life experiences, and the most fundamental part of the mind.

Ryōhen’s comment is very true in Buddhism, in that this sense of self, this part of the mind that reifies all experiences in one’s life, pollutes all thoughts and actions and interpretations of life. It can be summed up as “my view, my needs, my life, my identity”. As the manas is in the subconscious, you cannot perceive it, though you can perceive its effect, and the experience I had recently showed me the stark truth of these teachings. Even in our better moments, the manas or sense of self underlies and distorts things. Of course, there are times when the unfiltered mind also performs very great deeds too, but generally people behave in a selfish or self-centered way more often than not.

After this experience, which has been on my mind since, this moment of perception into my own ignorance and selfishness, I saw other instances of childish and cruel behavior in others around me too, which help illustrate that we all suffer from this essential problem. It’s not a trivial issue either, but at the very root of so many problems, and yet the selfish mind is very capable of deluding itself and justifying its own existence, even when it tries to bend everything around it to own its benefit.

Clearly, as the problem is very fundamental to one’s own mind, it is not something you can think your way out of, or apply willpower too. These have both failed for me, and I am aware of my own limitations. It is no wonder the folks in Zen try to instill and trigger an awakening through direct experience. Sometimes it’s the only way. However, as I read about Zen more,1 I feel Zen is best practiced in a strictly monastic setting, not so much a lay-oriented way like mine with parenting, demanding work-schedules and other obligations. It’s very unlikely I can get very far with it, no matter how interested I am in it.

Thus, for me, as I reflect upon the Pure Land path and my exploration of both Pure Land and Yogacara Buddhism, I find myself deeply embarrassed and humbled, but nevertheless grateful I figured this out sooner than later. I will definitely look at myself the same way again, that’s for sure.

As I develop a deeper appreciation for the Pure Land path, I am reminded of something I found tonight2 among Shinran’s letters to his disciples (Letter 16 of the Lamp for a Latter Age) that I felt was relevant:

One must seek to cast off the evil of this world and to cease doing wretched deeds; this is what it means to reject the world and to live the nembutsu. When people who may have said the nembutsu for many years abuse others in word or deed, there is no indication of rejecting this world. Thus Shan-tao teaches in the passage on sincere mind that we should be careful to keep our distance from those people who are given to evil. When has it ever been said that one should act in accordance with one’s mind and heart, which are evil?…Birth into the Pure Land has nothing at all to do with the calculation of foolish beings. Since it is completely entrusted to the Primal Vow of the Buddha, it is indeed Other Power. It is ridiculous to try to calculate it in various ways.

Thus I can do little else right now but reflect on my own terrible, fundamental ignorance and recite the name of Amitabha Buddha.

Namu Amida Butsu

P.S. Kind of a double-post today, but I felt like writing about this while still fresh in my mind. :-)

1 Picked up this book recently from a bookstore in Japan, but it’s not evidentially sold in the US. Too bad as it’s a great bi-lingual (Japanese and English) look at Rinzai Zen and monastic life, as well as a good read into Buddhism. If you can get it, especially if learning to read Japanese, definitely do so. :-)

2 Found in this book, which I started reading recently. Given how vast and complicated Shinran’s writings are, I appreciate the efforts to condense his most important teachings into a single book with good citations and such.



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6 Comments on “Me, unfiltered”

  1. robby says:

    Hi Doug,
    I fully understand both the conditions that lead to the angry outburst with your wife and that embarrassment that resulted. Having traveled a bit overseas and felt the effects of travel and exhaustion, which you are well aware of as well having lived as well as traveled often with your family.

    But that is why we practice. Because we live in the world and are not perfect. Your sense of humbleness is a great reflection of your commitment to the Pure Land faith. That is why Amida’s vow is so powerful and important as we are imperfect beings.

    But I notice that I reacted to your suggestion that “I feel Zen is best practiced in a strictly monastic setting, not so much a lay-oriented way” with sadness as I am a Soto Zen Buddhist priest living and practicing in the world. I may not be the best example of a good priest or of Zen well lived but I do believe that the best examples of the fruits of Zen practice are not found in the monastic halls but in the marketplaces, bedrooms, and street corners of the world. Clearly your are a deeply sincere student/practitioner of Buddhism. And have a deeper understanding to the various facets of the Dharma then I do but I would like to offer the observation that it is reflection of the depth of your practice that allows you to see the nature of your mind and comment on it in this blog in such a clear and direct manner and that you had the ability to laugh about it with your wife the next day is an inspiration to us all, lay and monastic alike.

    deep bow for your efforts which benefit us all
    Ryuzen Robby Pellett

  2. Doug says:

    Hi Robby, great to hear from you again. :)

    I think you’re being too kind in this comment in a couple ways. You give me too much credit here, when I feel kind of rotten about myself, but also you’re right to take me to task on the issue of Zen in a non-monastic settings. Truth be told, I have very, very little personal experience with Zen, beyond brief encounters and getting advice from other sources.

    I believe there’s nothing wrong with Zen at all, and I salute those who follow it especially out in the meat-world away from monasteries and online “sanghas”, but as the core of Zen practice is zazen, I think one really has to mold their life around it to get the full experience, and that means a lot more than just 30 minutes a day. From what I can tell, Zen when practiced to the fullest is pretty demanding and practically requires a monastic life, sesshins, frequent contact with a teacher and so on. None of this I can do in my present life for very long.

    Again, Zen is great, just something I cannot devote to, and don’t think it’s worth trying anymore. I have only X amount of minutes in my life, and I either invest sufficient quality time into Zen or I stop going about it halfway. As I realize how rotten and childish the sense of self is at heart, I need to find something I can devote headlong into amid my schedule, and the Pure Land path has worked for me thus far, so I am “banking” on that. ;)

    However, I definitely appreciate your input, and look forward to hearing more of your thoughts on the subject. Thanks and take care!

    –Doug

  3. Rory says:

    Amazing post, Doug, to bare yourself warts and all…how many of us want to hide it after all the practice we do….

    I used to go to cultivate for 10 days each year for 2 years & it was an amazing experience. There was no greater luxury than devoting yourself totally, no responsibilities, no thinking about clothes, dinner, work, just the Dharma. I really recommend it.

    I’m starting Living Yogacarya, thanks to your blog and I wanted to post the link to Kofukuji temple
    http://www.kohfukuji.com/

  4. Doug says:

    Hi Rory, sorry for late reply:

    Yeah I could really feel myself pulling back as I wrote it, so I guess it rubs against my pride. As for Yogacara Buddhism glad to see others taking interest. Like you, I am eager to see what Kofukuji is all about. :-)

    I’ll be sure to write a big report.

  5. Kendall says:

    I had a similar experience once. I awoke in the middle of the night by a low-frequency sound, which I thought was music from my neighbor (I’ve had a lot of problems with that from neighbors). I remember getting mad and maybe even kicking the floor, but never fully woke up I think. The next morning on the news I found out it was actually an earthquake that woke me up. Made me feel just a little silly.

  6. Doug says:

    Ha ha ha, I never had that experience, but I’ve done some really dumb things while half awake. This really old post has a very embarrassing story near the end.


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