In Memory of my Grandmother

My grandmother passed away 20 years ago on the 29th of November,¹ and I admit I almost forgot. I knew it was around this time, but I got a text message from my own mother to remind me, and I got to thinking. I remember being a young teenager when she went through ovarian cancer, exacerbated by chain smoking and unfortunate genetic heritage, and the slow deterioration that followed. The usual treatments ensued, and the cancer only came back stronger than ever. Then, one night while staying at my dad’s house for the weekend, we got a phone call to go to the hospital. We came and she had died hours before. I remember seeing her pain-wracked body and facial expression, hands wretched and still half-clenched and the body cold and lifeless. We said our goodbyes, the funeral was a blur and I think a big part of my childhood died as one would expect.

The photo above was taken when I was 1 year old. I owe a lot to my grandmother. She fled with 3 kids from an abusive marriage in D.C.,² and gradually moved out to Seattle with a new husband and started a new life there. By the time I was born, she was an avid “nerd”, and learned to use a computer long before the Internet was understood by most people. That was back in the day of Tandy Color Computers, Commodores and such, when the only way to get info was by BBS, not websites, and a 9600 baud modem was pretty nice. She got monthly magazines and delved into BASIC a lot, and made good use of our tape cassette drive, later upgraded to a 5.25 inch floppy. For a woman in her 50′s in an era when computers were still dominated by a handful of male nerds, she was way ahead of her time.

But she also knew how to cook better than anyone I knew, and was great at sewing and stitching too. My youngest sister had a knitted blanket made by her that she treasured for years as a little girl, and I had plenty of fond memories of Thanksgiving, and nights where I stayed over and played on the BBS games using her account until 2 in the morning. She didn’t mind. She taught me a lot about computers, and I know it’s because of her that I enjoy the career I do, and that my daughter can live a nice, sheltered life far apart from abusive relationships or the poverty my mom endured growing up, or the food banks and welfare food stamps of my own youth.

So, last night I dug out the picture above, set it up on the Buddhist shrine I have at home and prayed for a bit, and explained to my daughter who was born far after she died, that “Great Grammy” had done a lot for us and we should be grateful. Prayer in Buddhism should not be confused with that found in other religions, and it is a complex subject to delve into here. Suffice to say, I reflected upon myself and my life, and reflected on the fact that I owe so much to her, my parents and other ancestors, and simply prayed out of gratitude.

The Buddha taught that once someone has passed on, there’s nothing you can do for them. In the Paccha-Bhumika Sutta in the Pali canon (SN 42.6), the Buddha explains it like so:

“Suppose a man were to throw a large boulder into a deep lake of water, and a great crowd of people, gathering & congregating, would pray, praise, & circumambulate with their hands palm-to-palm over the heart [saying,] ‘Rise up, O boulder! Come floating up, O boulder! Come float to the shore, O boulder!’ What do you think: would that boulder — because of the prayers, praise, & circumambulation of that great crowd of people — rise up, come floating up, or come float to the shore?”

“No, lord.”

“So it is with any man who takes life, steals, indulges in illicit sex; is a liar, one who speaks divisive speech, harsh speech, & idle chatter; is greedy, bears thoughts of ill-will, & holds to wrong views. Even though a great crowd of people, gathering & congregating, would pray, praise, & circumambulate with their hands palm-to-palm over the heart — [saying,] ‘May this man, at the break-up of the body, after death, reappear in a good destination, the heavenly world!’ — still, at the break-up of the body, after death, he would reappear in destitution, a bad destination, the lower realms, hell.

Later the Buddha explains that in the same way, a person who refrains from unwholesome conduct can be assured of a positive rebirth regardless of what people in this world pray for. The point is that people are responsible for their actions and what results from them. Once something is set in motion, it can’t be taken back and will come to fruition sooner or later. Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, you cannot put it back in, so to speak. I cannot say what became of my grandmother after death (e.g. breakup of the body as the Buddha describes it), but her contributions to this world live on in my life now and that of my daughter.

So Buddhist prayer is instead an expression of gratitude and reflection of all the contributions of people in the past who enabled you to be what you are (even your enemies). It is also a time to reflect on how short life is, and what really matters in the time we have. All things that arise, must inevitably fade as the Buddha taught, but their efforts bear fruit on the life we live now. This sense of gratitude is captured in the Buddhist notion of the Four Gratitudes among other places.

It also is a way of turning this gratitude outward and resolving to help those around you and to make the world a better place. One has received much love and support in the past, so why not share the wealth? This is the underpinning behind the Buddhist practice of dedication of merit to all beings, as well as emphasis on compassion and giving to others.

When I was younger, I tried to shut out my grandmother’s death from my mind for years, until I had a family of my own and began to reflect on her contributions to my life, and a few years back finally visited her grave. This year, in honor of her 20th year death anniversary, I felt it was appropriate to reflect and post this here as a way of giving thanks.

¹ I wanted to post that night instead of now, but was slammed with work, on-call shifts, etc. Oh well.

² A reminder to my fellow Buddhists that apart from the stock-causes that Buddhists tend to concern themselves with, there’s a lot of people in your own neighborhood who you could really use your help.